Saw my dad today, been about 3 years, barely recognized him through the strung out look, beard and tears, he looked so lost he barely knew what was going on, seeing him get to this was one of my biggest fears.
My dad was never around, I’m still dealing with that now, he wasnt the best, but Its hard to see him doped out, strung out, fallen out, stuck in this mess.
Its messed up, why would you do this? You could’ve recovered, came back around, but you sank deeper in those pits.
You gave me the best lessons in life and that’s how not to be dad, thank you for the missed birthdays and graduation, now I know the feeling and my kids will never have to, I’m glad.
I know you went through a lot like anyone else, rough childhood, struggled with addiction, lost your best friend, everyone blamed you, including yourself.
But why not change it, make it right? You left a son with no influence, you left me with no masculine insight, a bitter grudge that I always held on to with no end in sight, the world tells me that was right, but it was just a poison I was drinking expecting it to keep you up at night. No more though, I let it go, I’m changing the story and that’s the history my kids will write.
I forgave you years ago, I care because your my dad, someone I want to know, and I’m your son, just wanting to see your 40 years have something to show.
I was just a fatherless kid in a fatherless generation, looking for my dad inside a television station, me and 1/3 of the other kids in this nation, all of us struggling to find our way, dealing with it in our own ways, growing up handicapped without one side of our paternal foundation, it’s difficult, the life, the struggle, the battles dealing with all the built up frustration.
I’m going to make a better choice. My kids will know me, they will have my voice, my wife won’t be alone she will be safe from that noise.
My family will be a family, I’ll never give up. Addiction will not consume me, I’ll never give up. My kids will have a father that is there, I’ll never give up. My wife will have a loving husband, I’ll never give up. And when life gets out of control, when all is falling apart, instead of losing heart, I will look up.
I will look up, to the Father who stepped in. The one that never thought about giving up even when I had been. The one that chose me even through all my sin. And the one that has always promised to love me through thick and thin.