Sincerely, God.

This is serious to me, it hurts

I see you slipping I see you falling, you’ve gone so far

It’s not too late though, you’re not too far gone, I know how hard it is when temptation flirts

But this isnt you, you are better than this, you climbed so high, passed every bar.

You are valuable, priceless, amazing, in my own hands I formed you

You blame me for what’s happening, I begged you not to do it.

You cry to me while I cry for you

Don’t close your eyes to me, my child please, I never left you, dont leave me

In my arms is the rest you seek, I’m here to wipe your tears when you have no more words to speak

But you can’t keep this up, it’s killing you I see it, your spirit is dying while your flesh prevails, child please!

I love you, I wouldnt just die for you, I did. Theres nothing that could separate us, but you’re trying.

Come home, rest, I’m here, I love you

Sincerely, God.

Advertisements

Through Thick and Thin

Saw my dad today, been about 3 years, barely recognized him through the strung out look, beard and tears, he looked so lost he barely knew what was going on, seeing him get to this was one of my biggest fears.

My dad was never around, I’m still dealing with that now, he wasnt the best, but Its hard to see him doped out, strung out, fallen out, stuck in this mess.

Its messed up, why would you do this? You could’ve recovered, came back around, but you sank deeper in those pits.

You gave me the best lessons in life and that’s how not to be dad, thank you for the missed birthdays and graduation, now I know the feeling and my kids will never have to, I’m glad.

I know you went through a lot like anyone else, rough childhood, struggled with addiction, lost your best friend, everyone blamed you, including yourself.

But why not change it, make it right? You left a son with no influence, you left me with no masculine insight, a bitter grudge that I always held on to with no end in sight, the world tells me that was right, but it was just a poison I was drinking expecting it to keep you up at night. No more though, I let it go, I’m changing the story and that’s the history my kids will write.

I forgave you years ago, I care because your my dad, someone I want to know, and I’m your son, just wanting to see your 40 years have something to show.

I was just a fatherless kid in a fatherless generation, looking for my dad inside a television station, me and 1/3 of the other kids in this nation, all of us struggling to find our way, dealing with it in our own ways, growing up handicapped without one side of our paternal foundation, it’s difficult, the life, the struggle, the battles dealing with all the built up frustration.

I’m going to make a better choice. My kids will know me, they will have my voice, my wife won’t be alone she will be safe from that noise.

My family will be a family, I’ll never give up. Addiction will not consume me, I’ll never give up. My kids will have a father that is there, I’ll never give up. My wife will have a loving husband, I’ll never give up. And when life gets out of control, when all is falling apart, instead of losing heart, I will look up.

I will look up, to the Father who stepped in. The one that never thought about giving up even when I had been. The one that chose me even through all my sin. And the one that has always promised to love me through thick and thin.

I’m Not Good With Words

I’m not good with words….no that’s a lie.

I’m great with words, they’re my favorite tool

You see, words gave identity to this kid that’s shy.

Well, I should say AN identity, because it’s one of many.

Words are my mask, my altar ego, you could say they’re like my cowl, im batman hiding my face from all the jokers.

But really, I was the joker, the court jester, putting on my best act in hopes to entertain, to distract.

Distract from the man behind the mask, the man behind the mask that can’t stand the man in front of the mirror, I’m fake.

I get up daily and put my best tool to use, I’m fine, I dont need to talk, but let’s laugh.

You see I’m using my tool to craft, worksmanship at work, experience in practice, this is me.

But I’m no artist or handyman or carpenter, no, I’m an illusionist.

You see only what I want you to see, smoke and mirrors, light shows and slight of hand all to divert your attention.

All so you look at the me on stage and not the me behind the scenes pulling the strings, the one who clipped his own wings, the one that’s scared you’ll see all of his scratches and dings, that’s me.

That’s me and today I forgot my mask, so now you see, this is me, who I am and I’m scared, terrified that you’ll see what I see when you look at me.

But….I broke my mirror, my mask is off, and now my identity is speaking to me, and He is saying You Are Strong, You are New, Your are worth it, You…..are My son.

I guess you could say I’m crazy, because my identity isnt me, it’s in someone else, one who knows me better than myself.

He stepped in when others stepped out. He gave me faith when all I’ve ever known was doubt. I struggled with anger and He was there to listen when I wanted to do was shout. He was the one who changed, shaped me, taught me what real love was all about.

So who I am is found within Him. That means “broken” is really just my pseudonym. Because that’s not who I am, I’m His, my name is Tim.

Sincerely, God.

This is serious to me, it hurts

I see you slipping I see you falling, you’ve gone so far

It’s not too late though, you’re not too far gone, I know how hard it is when temptation flirts

But this isnt you, you are better than this, you climbed so high, conquered every bar.

You are valuable, priceless, amazing, in my own hands I formed you

You blame me for what’s happening, I begged you not to do it.

You cry to me while I cry for you

Dont close your eyes to me, my child please, I never left you, dont leave me

In my arms is the rest you seek, I’m here to wipe your tears when you have no more words to speak

But you cant keep this up, its killing you I see it your spirit is dying while your flesh prevails, child please!

I love you, I wouldnt just die for you, I did. Theres nothing that could separate us, but your trying.

You’re blaming me, I’m calling you. This life is heavy, with me we’ll make it through. I know the pain I’ve felt it, I know the work I’ve done it too.

I know you’re sad and feel alone. I’m here I promise, you’re ignoring my calls, pick up the phone!

I’ll be waiting no matter what. When you call out I’ll come not an if and or but. I made you for greatness and when the enemy comes to tell you different I will tell him to keep his mouth shut.

My beloved, come home, rest, I’m here, I love you

-Sincerely, God

Back Again.

I messed up again, I’m right back here in this place again, Tim when are you going to get it together and make this end?

When is enough, enough?! God I’m sorry! I fell again and im writing this to you, I hate that I feel this way, hate that it’s not the first or hundredth time and it’s not cool.

I abuse your forgiveness, I dont take you serious, and instead of talking about it with you I’m hiding in these verses because it hurts.

I feel like I cant look you in your face, what do you see when you look me in my face? Am I still your son, do i still belong with you in your holy place? Or am I too dirty, too far gone, my righteousness stripped away with no trace? Have I given up too many times, is it even worth getting back up again to finish this race? God, please, I’m sorry, im in tears from this, don’t leave me alone, please show me your here with me in this space.

I’ve fought this for years and I never got the hang of it. Too weak or too scared it’s always just been easier to quit.

Heartbreak didnt help, Lord, it sent me over board. I ran to you for healing, I ran to you for support. I found it, in your arms, I lived, in your arms I survived, my whole life has been a sinking ship, but in your presence is paradise.

Truth is, I don’t know where I would be right now without you, to be more honest I don’t know if I would be here at all, it’s true. You found me, a broken, shattered piece of work, you picked up my pieces held me together like glue. And you never left, even when I asked you to.

Why would I do that? Easy, I didn’t know how to accept it, real love, a love I didn’t have to fight for. It’s not that I didnt enjoy it, Its that I didnt understand it, so I wanted to run, to get away from it, but yet I longed for more. You kept pursuing and eventually I had to rethink that decision, do I really want to dent this real love, am I sure? And your love fought more, you cared for me, showed me a vulnerability I have never known to my very core.

And this isnt exaggeration, no, this is exoneration, because now, I’m free, and in my freedom, Jesus, I choose you, because you chose me. I will go back to you, because your love will never flee. You’ve chosen, you’re never leaving me, that’s a holy decree! The fatherless me, you’ve adopted, and you’ve been more than I could have dreamed.

Business Savy With Your Heart.

In today’s world love is something you get on the fly, like a burger through a drive through or overnight shopping on Amazon. We feel like we need it right here right now.

We’re so willing to give our hearts away we’re not focusing on what we’re getting in return, a.k.a a bad deal. We should be careful what we give away and especially who we’re giving it to.

We are worth a lot, you have a lot to offer, don’t be so quick to just give that away to someone who could care less or will abuse it. Understand your worth, understand your value.

Cultivate relationships, sow into, take time to make sure that the deal your getting is a good one because you have a to give.

Lifetime Supply of Masks.

From the moment my childhood ended it has always felt like I’ve had a mask on and in my experience with people I’m definitely not alone in this.

I heard once that theres a chinese proverb that says that everyone has three masks the one they let everyone see, the one that they let the ones close to them see and then the one that no one sees, even themselves sometimes.

And a lot of us could probably agree with that, even if it’s not exactly three masks we all have a face that either, select people see or no one sees. As humans we naturally want to hide and are scared to be vulnerable.

My mask was almost always one of a smile. I always tried to cover the hurt I experienced with a laugh, to make it seem like it didn’t hurt as much as it did. I remember as a kid hating myself when I cried feeling like I wasn’t a “man” for it, so for most of my life I checked my emotions at the door and never confronted them.

Now in recent years moving into adulthood I’ve had no choice but to confront those emotions and of course it has been to my benefit, I still have my masks I run to but it’s no where near as bad as it was.

After taking these masks off, it’s been an incredible feeling actually getting to know…me. I see who I am now, I know my goals, my feelings, I understand myself more, instead of the person I was trying to be.

So to get to the point, take your masks off, stop trying to be the person you think you should be, the person others say you should be, be you, you are beautifully and wonderfully made, live in that, rest in that and be you.

Thank you so much for reading and I will talk to you later.